Professional Counselor Associate Ryan Joseph Kopyar, LMHCA, RCC, CPT & CSN is an emotional intelligence and mental health expert and international keynote speaker. Kopyar is also author of  “Unlock The Power of Your Mind: How to Change Your Life by Changing Your Thoughts” and “Big Boys Do Cry: A Man’s Guide to Navigating Emotions and Showing Up More Vulnerable in Relationships.” Connect with Kopyar online at ryankopyarholistichealing.com. 

What’s in a word? From reports about tech behemoths like Microsoft, Apple and Google to Hollywood A-List ‘it girl’ Zendaya to geo-political musings, the term “Frenemies” is being increasingly evoked to titillate minds and to spur curiosity.

The term “frenemy” refers to a person or entity who acts as both a friend and an enemy, often displaying contradictory behaviors of friendship, passive aggressiveness or even hostility. This term typifies a complex relationship characterized by a mix of camaraderie and competition, trust and distrust, or cooperation and conflict. While a frenemy may appear friendly on the surface, they also harbor underlying animosity or engage in ways that undermine trust and goodwill.

In many ways, situations with “frenemies” can help us recognize our best traits. Despite sounding counterintuitive, by reading between the lines, we can identify what triggers our “frenemy.” It could be the way we dress, our interactions with colleagues, or our punctuality and meeting deadlines. Essentially, our success points or unique qualities are what trigger our frenemy.

“Frenemies” in the workplace or in your personal and social life are often individuals triggered by some aspect of you; it’s typically something they see in you that they wish they had in themselves. They find themselves in a “tug of war” between wanting to be your friend because they admire that aspect of you, while also being your enemy due to jealousy or resentment over the fact that you embody what they wish they could.

The best way to handle such situations is to first be aware of what’s happening. Next, approach the “frenemy” with empathy, having a vulnerable and non-accusatory conversation. To address the issue, acknowledge your frenemy positively, express curiosity about any threat or discomfort they may feel, and encourage an open dialogue. An effective method is the “ice cream sandwich approach,” where you lead with something positive, address the issue directly, and end with something positive.

For example: “Hey, Jane, I appreciate your acknowledgment for submitting that project ahead of the deadline in the meeting earlier. I could be off, but I sensed some discomfort on your part. I wanted to ask you privately about your thoughts, feelings and emotions on this.” After hearing their response, respond back with gratitude: “Thank you for sharing your feedback. If it’s okay, I’d like more open dialogue in the future. I’m open to improving, and I’d appreciate your help. If there’s any way I can support you, I’m here for that too.”

These conversations, while vulnerable and empathetic, can still be direct and firm. They provide clarity for both parties on boundaries, hopes and expectations, while at the same time fostering a healthy, respectful work relationship.

There is another very beautiful and growth-promoting outcome that is possible from directly addressing a “frenemy.” This can be growth promoting for you and your “frenemy.” If your “frenemy” was open to your vulnerability and got the sense that you truly cared about them — at least enough to address their behavior and bring about a level of peace and alignment — there is the possibility for true friendship. It takes an incredible level of both humility and courage to not only advocate for yourself, but also extend to your transgressor both an olive branch of peace and also offering them a hand up. Remember, your “frenemy” is your frenemy because there is something that they admire about you. If you take the time to teach them how to cultivate within themselves what it is that they admire and are jealous of you for, that means you have just made a significantly positive impact in their life. By doing this you have helped your “frenemy” grow in an area that is of the utmost importance to them.  That is selfless, compassionate, leadership and influence. These characteristics and abilities go a long way in the business world for positioning yourself as a leader within your company. This can then open up the doors for you relative to promotions and other company advancements.  One of the most challenging tasks to accomplish in business is to bring people together in unison to accomplish a shared mission or vision. If you can do this with a “frenemy” who is least likely to give you total buy-in, then that means that you can lift up and unite an individual or any group within your organization.

As is the case in all relationships, there is no hard and fast rule, and no outcome to be guaranteed. Not all people want to be helped. There is a chance that even your most compassionate and caring attempt at helping a “frenemy” may not be received with open arms.  Moreover, it is not our responsibility to emotionally regulate someone else or to be their counselor or therapist.  However, here’s what I can say: having conversations like this could help the “frenemy” turn into a true friend, but at the very least, it is an opportunity to practice conversing about and setting healthy boundaries.  Boundary conversations are some of the most challenging yet rewarding conversations that we can have. Finally, being the bigger person and genuinely attempting to reach out to help your “frenemy” can be witnessed by your fellow colleagues and garner a tremendous amount of respect based on the emotional maturity it takes to confront and work towards resolving a situation. C&IT