Professional Counselor Associate Ryan Joseph Kopyar, LMHCA, RCC, CPT & CSN is an acclaimed emotional intelligence, mental health expert and international keynote speaker. A transformational figure in the fields of psychology and personal development, Kopyar is also the  author of  “Unlock The Power of Your Mind: How to Change Your Life by Changing Your Thoughts” and “Big Boys Do Cry: A Man’s Guide to Navigating Emotions and Showing Up More Vulnerable in Relationships.” Connect with Kopyar online at ryankopyarholistichealing.com.

Vulnerability creates a beautiful meeting ground for authentic human connection. Unfortunately, several factors in today’s world inhibit many people from feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and authentic.

Social media exerts immense pressure on individuals to share only their lives’ highlight reel. Materialism has led people to believe that showcasing possessions like a new sports car, luxury handbag or shoes is necessary to be “part of the cool crew.” While there’s nothing wrong with having nice things or taking fancy vacations, society seems to have set these unrealistic expectations, suggesting that individuals can only share these highlight reel moments to be accepted, with the pressure that anything less may cause them to fall out of favor in their highly valued social circles.

Needless to say, this is less than fertile soil for planting seeds of vulnerability and authenticity. Before we go any further, I think it’s important to share my humble opinion on what vulnerability is. I am also going to be vulnerable with you, the reader, about how being vulnerable and authentic completely reshaped my life. As it relates to defining vulnerability, I think David Meltzer frames it brilliantly: “When I am vulnerable, I actually become invulnerable.”

I believe that when we embrace vulnerability, we break free from the confines of the ego and limiting mental scripts. When we are vulnerable, we are more able to live from our hearts. We remove ourselves from being trapped in non-serving mental programs. Instead of fearing hurt or guarding against potential harm, vulnerability empowers us to be authentic, and it is through that authenticity that we create deeper levels of connection with others.

If you’ve ever seen the biographical movie “8 Mile,” which features rap star Eminem, there is a part in the movie where he has a battle with another rapper. But Eminem does something unique: he raps about all of his flaws, thereby disabling the other rapper from being able to make fun of him. This is another way of describing the power of vulnerability and how it makes us invulnerable.

Now it is time for me to be vulnerable with you…

After my arrest in 2013, I lost my job in the fitness industry. I was ashamed, embarrassed and completely broken mentally, physically and spiritually. Worry and fear clouded my every waking moment. Once I was able to pull myself back together, I focused on finding a new job. This was a real challenge for me. Before every job interview, I found myself getting lost in my own mind. Should I be authentic and vulnerable about my arrest? Should I try to hide it and hope they would not find out? When people would ask me questions about my past arrest, I was left feeling like a failure as I struggled to find my own peace and resolution with the issue. For the first few interviews, I was not upfront about my history.

Of course, the topic of my arrest came up at some point during the interview process, and I did not get any of those jobs. I realized that I had to shift my approach. Instead of waiting for people to bring up my arrest (which made my heart sink in fear), I brought it up first. I went into the interviews saying, “Let me tell you what makes me unique. I was arrested, and I hit rock bottom. Everything that I thought meant the world to me at that time was taken. Let me tell you what I learned and grew from that.” I do not know if I can fully put into words just how liberating it felt to be authentic and vulnerable. Now I think it is important to note that, just because I was vulnerable, it did not mean I had job offers flooding in! But after each one of those interviews where I was vulnerable and authentic, I was told by the interviewer how much they appreciated my candid and vulnerable openness in the interview process. In this new approach, I told my story with vulnerability. I was humble but confident. I could sit outside the shame and present the person I truly was. The person that had grown immensely and had picked himself back up from rock bottom.

Here is the cool part of the story that I wouldn’t know for another eight years.

My arrest, my struggles with drugs and alcohol, (and my subsequent healing that was at the root causes of engaging in these non-serving behavior patterns) were all preparing me to serve others as a mental health counselor. All aspects of my past that I was afraid to be vulnerable about now serve as the cornerstone of both my unconditional positive regard for the individuals I work with and give me a level of empathy I would not otherwise be able to have.

As a counselor, I have the privilege of working with people at the most raw and real layers. I get a glimpse behind the scenes about what people are struggling with and what is really important to them. Not just what they may pretend or feel pressured into thinking they need to believe is important. I learn about people’s loves, joys, goals and ambitions. I also learn about people’s fears, negative beliefs about themselves, and how they feel that if they were to be vulnerable about their past, it would disqualify them from getting the job they want or getting the romantic partner that they so badly desire.

For many individuals, this leads to immense pressure surrounding the struggle to be authentic about their deepest wants and needs, while at the same time wanting to fit in and not ask for something that might go against what they feel they should be wanting.

This leads to an internal tug of war. They grapple with how they want to present themselves to the world — whether to share their own highlight reels, investing time, energy and money in materialism, or to be vulnerable and authentic about what is truly important to them, their day-to-day struggles, or even — their deeper layers of trauma.

This internal conflict often leads to anxiety and depression, a battle between the need to be accepted and the potential of being rejected for showing up as their authentic selves. Ultimate alignment and optimal mental and emotional health come down to being real. It’s about being vulnerable with no fear of judgment like Eminem did in “8 Mile.” You see, when we’re vulnerable with others, it opens the door for them to be vulnerable and authentic with us.

Authenticity from us provides permission for others to be genuine in return. This releases the fear of judgment, fostering a sense of safety for both parties. This safety drives even deeper levels of authenticity, and through authentic and real communication, comes deeper levels of connection.

That’s the power of vulnerability and why it is the key to authenticity. C&IT