Edward D. Hess is a professor of business administration, Batten Fellow and Batten Executive-in-Residence at the Darden School of Business, and the author of “Hyper-Learning: How to Adapt to the Speed of Change.” He spent 20 years in the business world as a senior executive and has spent the last 18 years in academia. He is the author of 13 books, more than 140 articles and 60 Darden case studies. His work has appeared in more than 400 global media outlets, including Fortune, Fast Company, WIRED, Forbes Inc., Huffington Post and The Washington Post. For more information, visit EdHess.org.

Conversations happen in the workplace all the time. Co-worker small talk aside, many workplace conversations are really just two people having their own separate monologues.

Or they’re “check-the-box” meetings contrived to get pre-ordained results. Or they may be “competitions” where one person emerges a winner, or at best agrees to meet someone halfway in a kind of tepid compromise.

As the Digital Age surges on, we’ll have to do better if we’re to stay agile and relevant in a marketplace defined by flux, accelerating levels of chaos, and the relentless march of smart technology, especially artificial intelligence (AI).

As skill sets become increasingly specialized and business gets more complex, it will take multiple people working together to quickly problem-solve, innovate, and do all the other tasks technology can’t.

The conversations that should predominate in today’s business world are those where each person is a) striving to be understood by the other, and b) trying to understand the other.  These are called “High-Quality, Making-Meaning Conversations.” Such conversations — which must occur in a caring, trusting, noncompetitive setting — serve several purposes:

• They meet our innate needs for social connection and belonging to a group.
• They help us validate our uniqueness and humanity.
• They help us build caring, trusting relationships with others.
• They help us learn, unlearn  and relearn. This is a vitally important outcome of conversations, since we are all suboptimal learners who are ego-driven and have a hard time letting go of our beliefs.
• They help us unpack underlying beliefs, assumptions, facts, lack of facts and differences, and achieve critical thinking in the spirit of an idea meritocracy.
• They help us pursue and achieve creativity, imagination, innovation, sense-making or emergent thinking.

Constructive Conversations

If such conversations regularly happen at your company, it says good things about your culture. It suggests that you’re an idea meritocracy and that you embrace the principles of positivity, psychological safety and self-determination. Most likely, people bring their “Best Selves” to work and maintain the inner peace needed to mitigate the two big learning inhibitors: fear and ego. These are the kinds of cultures that allow companies to thrive.

The good news is, there are things you can do to make it more likely that these kinds of conversations will unfold. For instance, set the right preconditions for the conversation. It helps if everyone arrives at the meeting in a state of positivity. But even if not, there are things leaders can do to make meetings go well. They can explain the purpose of the meeting, ask everyone to agree on common values and spell out the rules of engagement.

“As the Digital Age surges on, we’ll have to do better if we’re to stay agile and relevant in a marketplace defined by flux.”

Make sure all parties respect each other and uphold each other’s human dignity. People vary quite a lot in what they find emotionally hurtful. Some are very sensitive to the slightest perceived insult. It’s better to err on the side of respecting the dignity of each person. It doesn’t matter that you do not think your words or behavior are hurtful. Never critique the person; critique the idea and do so in a manner that increases the probability that the other person actually hears you. Say something positive; start out with what you agree with. Then, offer your differing views in a calm, non-personal manner, setting forth your data.

Ask, Don’t Tell

Prioritize asking over telling. The best high-quality, making-meaning conversations happen when people ask questions and when they reflectively listen. Telling sends the message that “I know more than you.” Sometimes, of course, you have to explain your position. But, this still doesn’t require telling; rather, it requires sharing.

When you share, you should make it explicit that you are sharing and not expressing certainty. When you disagree with someone, you should first explain the points on which you agree. Then, you can share your questions, concerns or disagreements. I’ve found it helpful when I disagree or have concerns to say, “Here is my hypothesis,” not, “Here is what I believe.”

Ask additional questions. Remember that the purpose of work conversations is to learn. Learning requires a lot of questioning. Practice reflective listening. This requires a quiet ego, quiet mind, quiet body and positive emotional state. Remember, we are wired to be speedy thinkers who seek confirmation and affirmation. We tend to let our minds wander or begin making up our response while the other person is still talking. Reflective listening is the opposite. It requires us to demonstrate that we truly are listening and trying to understand what the other person is saying.

The best way to do that is to first paraphrase and restate the words and feelings of the person who is speaking and ask if you are correct in your understanding. Demonstrating that you really listened before advocating your position evidences that you care about the person and his or her views.

When we hold the right kinds of conversations, we find they are the gateway to the highest levels of creativity and innovation, emotional engagement, and higher-order critical thinking. They literally allow us to leave our egos and fears at the door, tolerate uncertainty, and not only trust others but trust ourselves — the more liberated, peaceful versions of ourselves. C&IT